This Thanksgiving, conservative families across America found themselves reflecting on an unexpected holiday miracle: the sudden absence of their far-left activist relatives, which many only realized after dessert was served.
“We didn’t think much of it at first,” said Greg Thompson of Topeka, Kansas, slicing into his second piece of pumpkin pie. “Dinner felt unusually calm, like the air wasn’t charged with palpable tension and disapproval. It wasn’t until someone said, ‘Wow, we can put sausage in the stuffing again,’ that we remembered—Brad wasn’t here.”
Brad, the self-appointed family moral compass and self-proclaimed “patriarch deconstructor,” reportedly boycotted this year’s Thanksgiving because of its colonialist undertones. While his absence left a void in the lecture department, the family insists it didn’t leave a void in their hearts—or their dinner plates.
“For the first time in years, we didn’t have to Google ‘vegan Tofurky recipes’ or endure a PowerPoint presentation about food sovereignty during dessert,” said Greg’s wife, Linda. “And when Grandpa wore his MAGA hat to dinner? No one even cried or stormed out. It was bliss.”
Without Brad’s usual commentary about the systemic oppression of poultry or the “problematic” nature of televised football, the family successfully watched three entire NFL games without interruption. “We didn’t even get guilt-tripped about CTE once,” Greg marveled.
The calm extended even to pre-dinner traditions. “We actually said grace this year without being interrupted by a reminder that ‘Christianity is a tool of white imperialism,’” Linda continued, dabbing her eyes. “Grandma cried tears of joy.”
Brad, who spent Thanksgiving attending a Land Back protest outside a Best Buy, expressed little regret about his absence. “Honestly, I needed to cleanse myself from their toxic gravy-soaked vibes,” he said in an Instagram post, which also included an infographic titled How Your Turkey is Complicit in Late-Stage Capitalism.
The family, meanwhile, is already bracing for the possibility of a Brad-less Christmas. “If he’s skipping Christmas too, that’s fine,” said Greg, scrolling Amazon for last-minute gifts. “We’ll ship his Bernie Sanders bobblehead directly to his apartment. Amazon says they can even gift-wrap it, so we won’t have to listen to a lecture on eco-friendly wrapping alternatives.”
When asked if they missed Brad’s spirited presence, the family hesitated. “Look,” Linda said, “we love him. But for the first time in years, no one called Grandma a colonizer for bringing cranberry sauce. So, yeah, it was a great day.”
