Washington, D.C. – Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has sounded the alarm, expressing her growing concerns about what a Trump presidency could mean for her future. Chief among her fears is the possibility that she will be deported to Puerto Rico—a U.S. territory but, apparently, one she would rather not call home, despite her allegiance to the “Island of Garbage.”
“I just know Trump is going to come for me next,” AOC said tearfully during an Instagram live session filmed from her luxury apartment. “He’s going to revoke my citizenship and ship me straight to my abuela’s house in Puerto Rico. And the roof still leaks!”
The congresswoman famously tweeted in 2021 about her grandmother’s hurricane-damaged home, prompting critics to ask why she hadn’t stepped in to help. Those critics have resurfaced, pointing out that deportation might be the only way to get her to visit.
It turns out, her Abuela is the one pulling the strings here. She reportedly called Trump and cried to the President Election, “Sandy, she never calls, she never visits, please do something, help me, Mr. President, we all voted for you!”
“Do you know what it’s like to live with water dripping on your head?” AOC asked her followers, conveniently ignoring that many of them probably do. “I’m not cut out for this. I’m a progressive icon, not a roofer!”
“They’ll Force Me to Date Republicans”
But Ocasio-Cortez’s fears didn’t stop at deportation. The congresswoman also claimed the GOP’s newfound control of the House and Senate could usher in a dystopian nightmare.
“They’re going to force me to date them now,” she declared, clutching a potted plant for comfort. “This is the real reason they hate me—it’s because they can’t have me! And with all their power, they’ll just legislate it.”
When reached for comment, several Republican lawmakers denied plans for a “Date AOC Act” but did admit they find her “weirdly fascinating.”
“Puerto Rico? That’s Basically a Third World Country!”
In what many critics are calling an “own goal,” Ocasio-Cortez didn’t hold back her disdain for her ancestral homeland. “I can’t live in Puerto Rico,” she exclaimed. “It’s a third-world shithole country!”
This statement quickly drew ire from all sides, with Puerto Ricans reminding her that they are U.S. citizens and progressives accusing her of being out of touch.
Despite the backlash, AOC stood by her comments. “I was elected to bring social justice to the mainland, not to bail out a broken roof in a tropical climate. I’m too busy being the voice of the oppressed—here.”
Meanwhile, the GOP has extended an invitation for her to tour their new “forced dating” chambers. “We’d love to show her around,” said one gleeful senator. “Just kidding… mostly.”
As AOC prepares for what she’s calling “the darkest timeline,” many are left wondering if her abuela’s leaky roof might be the least of her problems. For now, it seems the only thing falling faster than her self-awareness is the rain in Puerto Rico.
