President Joe Biden today announced that the U.S. will supply all Afghan refugees seeking asylum in the U.S. with their very own M-4 combat rifles and a surplus army Humvee. The President said the move was necessary to make the displaced war survivors feel more at home while resettling in the country.
“You can’t take a carrot out of the ground, take a bite, then replant it somewhere else,” Biden said. “You can only do that with potatoes. We used to do that when I was a kid. We’d grow a potato…then eat half of it and throw the other half back in the ground so we can have another full potato later on. They don’t call them potatoes anymore. These days some people say ‘po-tah-to’ or ‘tato’.”
When asked if the displaced Afghans will be required to get COVID-19 vaccines, Biden said, “Of course they’re not going to have to have a vaccine, what kind of host would we be if we forced vaccine on our new foreign guests? C’mon man, vaccines are for the unvaccinated Republicans, you know that.”
One reporter noted that the U.S. Army does not currently have 400,000 spare Humvees, prompting the President to respond, “Well, they aren’t at war anymore in Afghanistan, the army doesn’t need them anymore…I ended that war…keep up with me here, man.”
When Fox News reporter Peter Doocey asked about the 44 refugees who were identified as being identified as national security threats, Biden reminded the press that only reporters not from Fox News, Newsmax or OAN were allowed to ask questions.
Later, at a press conference held by Jen Psaki, reporters pressed the White House Press Secretary to decode many of the undecipherable comments made by the president earlier.
“I think it was quite clear where the President stands,” Psaki said. “If you want to feed your family for a day, eat the whole potato. If you want to feed your family for a long time, put half back in the ground. I’m not sure what else this administration can add that hasn’t been said before.”