Following Success of Not Killing His Dog, Murphy Admits to Other Crimes He Has Not Committed

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TRENTON, NJ – In a press conference that had attendees confused about the absurdity, New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy proudly announced a list of nefarious non-accomplishments, starting with the fact that he has not killed any pets, a clear jab at South Dakota’s recent gubernatorial mishap.

Murphy humorously celebrated his success in not locking Jews out of the statehouse, not carjacking anyone in Newark, and steering clear of any automotive thefts at the Jersey Shore. He jovially added that unlike some of his political counterparts, he hasn’t secretly become a foreign agent with a penchant for hoarding gold bars in his closet.

The governor’s speech, delivered with a smirk, was a light-hearted attempt to draw attention to the bizarre and sometimes scandalous activities that politicians find themselves embroiled in.

Murphy’s unique approach to illustrating his scandal-free tenure thus far has certainly provided a memorable moment in New Jersey’s political discourse.

When asked by reporters about rising taxes, nursing home deaths, soaring unemployment, the NJ Transit billion dollar shortfall, and his flailing wind energy agenda, Murphy replied, “I have spoken.”

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