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NEW YORK CITY, NY – A group of angry and disgruntled petty criminals assembled outside City Hall in Manhattan today demanding Mayor Bill DeBlasio put an end to the rising rate of violent crime in the city’s subway system. Petty thieves today argued that an increase in violent crime has made purse snatching, armed robbery and criminal sexual contact much harder as New Yorkers use of the subway system is in decline.

This week, Governor Andrew Cuomo confirmed the petty thieves’ worst nightmare, New Yorkers are too scared to ride the subway anymore.

Local purse snatcher, who goes by the name of Snakebonez today said finding a purse to snatch has become hard work.

“I used to be able to get three or four purses every day,” Snakebonez told reporters. “Now, I can ride the 4 train from Brooklyn to the Bronx and I’m usually the one getting robbed at gunpoint on an empty train.”

“Yo, DeBlasio’s gotta do something about this,” said Roger, who usually just sits in the back of the N-train awkwardly gawking at women, making strange faces and noises and occasionally trying to cop a feel. “I mean I ain’t lose no money or nothing here, but there ain’t nothin’ to look at on an empty train.”

Some petty thieves held signs as they chanted, “Fuck Bill DeBlasio”. One sign read “I need to work too!” Another said, “Hey, Bill, Give me YOUR wallet!”

“The worst part about this is even when I do score a wallet from an old lady, they know not to even carry cash,” said Q-ball, a regular purse snatcher that works Midtown Manhattan. “By the time I can try to use one of their credit cards, they already called their bank and reported fraud. Times are definitely tough. I got kids to feed.”

The thieves collectively would like to see the rapists, murderers and subways slashers kept in check, because working through the pandemic was hard enough before they showed up.

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