MOSCOW, RUSSIA – In a sudden policy shift, Russian President Vladimir Putin petitioned NATO to include Russia in the European defense pact in an effort to defend itself from an impending Ukrainian invasion.
“The special military operation is a success, but now we fear Ukraine will begin bombing and invading the motherland,” Putin said. “It is for this that I am today asking NATO to consider Russia as a military and strategic partner to stop this aggression by the Nazi regime of Ukraine.”
Russia, just a few months ago had one of the largest and most advanced armies in the world, but lately saw its military ranking drop faster than Taylor Swift’s ‘Willow’ dropped from the Billboard Top 40 in December.
“You see these videos of Ukrainian farmers stealing our tanks,” Putin said. “Right now the farmer’s resistance is unorganized, but we feel if given time, and they go unchecked, they could soon be hauling our nuclear ICBMs out of our home country.”
“Russia needs NATO protection. This Ukrainian aggression is unprovoked,” Putin added. “They keep saying my very successful special operation is an ‘invasion’ or, some say a declaration of war, but these Ukrainians have gone too far. If Joe Biden is listening, we can use some of those American stingers and surplus tanks immediately.”
