San Francisco mayor announces feces free zones

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – San Francisco Mayor London Breed today announcedcshe’s designating five San Francisco street corners as feces-free safe zones.  This comes as the city has been overrun by the homeless, drug addicts and aspiring actors defecating all over the city.

“I felt the residents of San Francisco deserve a place where they don’t have to worry about the smell of urine and feces, therefore these 5 intersections located throughout the city will serve as what we like to joke around about here, ‘crap free’ zones,” Breed said.

Under the new poop-free oasis law, Breed said the new law does not prohibit the citizens of San Francisco from defecating in those zones but will provide a 24-hour service that will come and remove feces deposited in those zones to a non-sanctuary zone.

“We would not want to harm or offend anyone’s feces, so our new Poop Patrol division will safely and humanely relocate any excrement that left in those zones,” She said. “You’ll see a new feature in the city’s poop alert app that says ‘call for pickup’ and within 24-hours our Poop Patrol officers will come and relocate the material.”

The mayor said thanks to her effort to defund the police, the city now has enough money in the budget to provide the service through the end of 2021, noting that previously laid off police officers are welcome to apply for the positions that will begin hiring next week.



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