CNN executives held a meeting to hash out a plan to save its network after seeing its ratings plummet in the post-Trump era. CNN ratings across the board have nosedived since January, and now CEO Jeff Zucker has devised a plan to get the ratings back up. Zucker used a Grand Theft Auto heist-style mockup board during the meeting.
“Look folks, without Trump in that Oval Office, we’re done,” Zucker told board members in a June meeting. “We can’t survive on rehashing four years of Trump. We’re just four months into the Biden presidency and that’s not working anymore.”
Shirley, head of the Portland bureau suggested, “What if we tie Trump to the Nazi riot squad team rioting and blame him for all the destruction in the city?”
“Shirley, you’re not getting it, we need Trump back in the White House if you want to keep your job,” Zucker said.
Zucker suggested that CNN producers begin pushing the narrative that Trump had the election stolen from him.
“Look, we love Joe, don’t get me wrong…but Joe isn’t helping us keep the lights on around here,” Zucker told his executive staff. “Who knows, maybe if we push hard enough, we can turn this around and get the man back into the hot seat so we can start covering the news our viewers want, 24/7 Trump scandal…it’s getting hard to cook up a scandal on a guy who lives at a golf course and has no social media presence.”
He then directed his social media news team to start going after Twitter and Facebook for violating Trump’s rights to get his social media accounts reactivated.
“We had a whole team that did nothing but monitor the man’s tweets,” Zucker added. “Now they’re wasting their time on stories about nobodies like Lauren Boebert and Tucker Carlson…nobody cares about them…we need to get them back on the Trump beat ASAP or they’re going to have to be let go.”
Zucker told his team that the future without Trump is a bleak one for CNN and issued an all-hands on deck memo to producers and writers to do whatever it takes to get Trump back in office.
“We might make it until 2022 at this rate,” he concluded.