Federal District Judge Penelope Q. Gavelstrike issued an unprecedented order on Tuesday, demanding that the Trump administration immediately cease all peace negotiations between Russia and Ukraine. Citing “an egregious surplus of harmony” in the geopolitical sphere, the judge gave President Donald Trump a tight 24-hour deadline to declare war on Russia or face unspecified “consequences.”
The ruling, delivered in a 47-page opinion adorned with dramatic flourishes and a surprising number of emojis, accuses the administration of “undermining the sacred American tradition of perpetual conflict” by attempting to broker a ceasefire in the ongoing Russia-Ukraine saga.
“Peace? In this economy?” Gavelstrike wrote, punctuating the line with a winking face. “The Founding Fathers didn’t spill their tea in Boston Harbor so we could sit around singing ‘Kumbaya’ with Moscow.”
The Trump administration, caught off guard by the order, scrambled to respond.
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt held a hastily arranged briefing, flanked by a visibly confused Secretary of Defense Hegseth who kept muttering, “I thought we were winning the peace thing.”
Advisors to the president insisted that the president remained committed to his “deal-making genius,” but hinted that the White House might comply with the judge’s order “just to see how it goes.”
“President Trump has always said he’s the best at war—nobody wars better than him,” Leavitt boasted, gesturing to a stack of unopened history books behind her. “If the judge wants a war, she’s about to get the most tremendous, luxurious war she’s ever seen. Believe me.”
Gavelstrike doubled down in a post-ruling press conference, brandishing a gavel she claimed was “forged in the fires of justice” and daring the administration to defy her.
On Capitol Hill, reactions were predictably polarized. House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) praised the judge for “standing up to the woke peace agenda.”
Meanwhile, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) took to X to declare, “War with Russia? About time! Let’s take out their space lasers while we’re at it!”
Across the Atlantic, Russian President Vladimir Putin responded with a cryptic shrug during a televised address, saying, “If America wants war, I’ll bring the borscht. But honestly, I thought we were all getting tired of this.”
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy reached for comment but asked us if we could front him $22 billion for a few days.
